BE ONE TO KNOW ONE

I had been planning to write this piece since some time, but for some unknown reason, kept postponing. Unknown? Or may be subconsciously being hesitant? I know not of any reason why I seem to stumble for words when I wanted to write about fatherhood. Is this literary choking? (Hmm..wonder if such an expression exist!!)

At the risk of making a very generic statement, let me blurt it out anyways. I believe that we, men, seem to have a different connection with our parents. While the relation with mother is more lucid and easy, it is not that simple with father. With mother, it is purely a matter of the heart. We tend to easily accept all her acts as the ones out of love and affection; no much logic or intellect there. But, with father, well… we are not so…(how do I put it)…forgiving?

We look up to Dad to be the ‘role model’ growing up; During teenage, the reality sinks in that he is not what we idolised him to be; infact, someone with his own follies. He falls off from the high pedestal and we blame him for not living up to our expectations. Dad doesn’t seem to ‘understand’ us anymore. As we grow older, that gap seem to only widen and somewhere along the way, both of us, the 'grown' men become less communicative and more distant.

I had been through a similar journey myself. My father has been very affectionate and protective of me, since my childhood. But, growing up, during teen years, I remember thinking that our ideals don’t match. I was getting agitated that he couldn’t appreciate my views. I felt that I was right in my views and he couldn't appreciate them and that we have a generational gap. Unlike with mother, with whom I tend to be more accepting and sympathising, the same wasn’t possible with Dad. I guess with father, the conflict was more at an intellectual level? Being a patriarchal society, the difference seemed to have had only widened. Many interactions ended up in arguments of disagreement or awkward silence, during my college days.

However, little did I know that even my life was to turn upside down one day. I got married and when we had our first child, a daughter, I too became a ‘father’. When I held the bundle of joy for the first time, my life changed unknowingly. It brought in a transformation that I didn’t know I was capable of. A less responsible husband and a carefree son transformed to be a more responsible father overnight!

Now, I am a father ‘in his teens’ , with two kids. I make a conscious effort to be relevant and involved in all aspects of our kids’ lives, sometimes, a little too invasive - still I do shamelessly. I want to know about everything - from school teachers, who they are friends with to the latest gossips. I want them to see me as a ‘cool’ dad and a great friend. But, there are times when the protective father in me comes out and I tend to be bossy and stressful. I am aware of the fact that we can’t engineer our children’s destiny, but can only act as good shepherds, showing new and greener pastures. But, these ‘fatherly’ instincts are hard to suppress.

Somewhere deep inside, as a father, I fear that I too will have to go through the same evolutionary journey with my kids (as I, with my father!!) and we may have a ‘colder’ phase in our life. We too may have awkward silences at the dinner table. As the great singer Billy Joel rightly says, the ‘older’ me is chasing the ‘younger’ me and one day, he shall surely catch up. Though very painful, I will have to make peace with it.

After becoming a father myself, I have been able to understand and appreciate my father better. I have a lot more respect for all the sacrifices he made, the things that he taught me and above all, being always there for me. He has inculcated many right values which I wish to pass on to my children. My father had lost his own father at a very tender age and hence, had no one to look up to while growing up. He is a self made man. Suddenly, when my father in law passed away a few years ago, it occurred to me that having my father around itself was a privilege that I had taken for granted all these years. Now, I have become more accepting of our differences. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what is right or wrong, if you are able to appreciate the other perspective. We agree to disagree and leave it at that. We have learnt to adjust, accept or adapt. I feel blessed that he is still with us (and pray that he will lead a long and healthy life) and I have got a chance at redemption. Belated Father’s Day, Appa. But, you know, I will not say it aloud; I am still a ‘teenage’ father, remember? The wordings from the track 'Monsters' by one of my favourites, James Blunt seems just about right- “No need to forgive, no need to forget; I know your mistakes and you know mine…”.